Journal Entry for Oct 16

*Typed version of my journal entry from October 16. If the other entries have bothered you, you may not want to read this one, the one from October 13, or the one from October 17.*

16 Oct 2017

So he really is seeing Alexis. I found a post she made on Twitter 10 hours ago. I wrote about it in a poem on my blog.

So now, he’s saying he still loves me, etc…. while still talking to or dating her.

Literally everything he has said has been and is a lie.

Everything is a lie.

I’m still shaking close to an hour later. I’m still shaking.

I just want to break things

Scream

I want to rip every book off of every shelf

Break every window

Throw chairs

Now I’m sitting in the cemetery- it used to bring me peace, but now it just reminds me of when Justin was happy with me. Of the time he got off work & just wanted to see me so badly that he got on his motorcycle & drove to M to find me & I was just here sitting & thinking.

But now I feel like I was just something to pass the time- that I was being manipulated & that he didn’t mean anything he said.

I feel worthless.

 

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Journal Entry from Oct 13

*Typed version of my journal entry for October 13. If you have been bothered by previous entries, you may want to skip this one and the one for October 16.*

13 Oct 2017

Today isn’t a good one. It’s 10am and I have cried twice. Why? Because I’m a failure. Because I physically hurt Justin. Because I can’t see the one person I really want to see- HIM. Because I can’t ever finish anything. Because I’m a terrible parent.

Man- I just don’t want to be here. M, GA. I want none of it. I want to GO. I want to be driving- moving. I just want to be free. This just isn’t working for me. None of it is working. I don’t know what will…. I just know that this- here- isn’t.

Everything just really seems so fucking stupid. Yeah- things have made me laugh, but I’m still miserable.

The Kid deserves better than this. So much better than this. I shouldn’t have been so selfish at the beginning. I shouldn’t have kept him. I should have let a nice couple have him so he could have everything & experience everything. So he could have a dad- and not be stuck with a “mom” who is a fucking wreck. Man- I feel so bad for the kid.

“Girl”- He- Justin- started calling me girl. That was another hint that I meant nothing. That I was 100% fucking worthless to him. Girl. I Hated being called that.

What is the symbol for chaos? No direction? Aimless wandering?

Journal Entry from Oct 9

*Typed version of my journal entry from October 9*

9 Oct 2017

It hasn’t been good. Mood’s still shifty. Went off the rails on Friday. Justin and I got in an actual fight. He shoved me to the ground, so I hit him. He grabbed me by the throat, so I punched him. He picked me up by my throat, so I kept hitting and punching him. We are obviously over. I switch from being so broken about hitting him, to angry that I let him push me to that point.. devastated that I don’t get to spend the rest of my life with him…. glad to be free of all of his criticism…. hurt that I physically hurt the man I love.

Still feeling like I don’t want to be around most people- especially Mama and Deddy.

I’m still latching on to thoughts & can’t let them go. I am still stuck on things from my relationship with Justin. Just everything.

It’s all so messed up.

Journal Entry from Oct 4

*Typed version of my journal entry from October 4*

4 Oct 2017

Still feel the need to just go. Be on the move. Being at my house just bothers me. We stayed at Justin’s last night even though he’s gone. I could handle it better than just 5 minutes at mine. I don’t know why. Maybe I should just get rid of almost everything in my house. Maybe that’s the problem.

Today I have felt less calm than since I got back. I can feel crazy thoughts sneaking back in. I want them to stop- but I don’t know how to make them. I wish I did.

I’ve felt a bit dizzy today also. Not sure what’s causing it.

Something I have also noticed & felt recently is that my belief in God is slipping…. fading away. The thought of singing worship songs or of praying or even going to church just puts me off. I don’t know why.

I am interested to see how I do when Justin gets home. I’m so ready to see him.

Journal Entry from Oct 3

*Typed version of my journal entry from October 3*

3 Oct 2017

Today…. today I feel the meds not working so well. I have skipped between being okay & not being okay. I can tell I’m starting to get worked up again. Granted, I don’t feel the absolute need to stay in bed & away from people as much as I usually do.

I can also tell I don’t have emotions about people like I used to. I know there are people I care about, but when I try to think of losing them to force some kind of reaction from myself, it just doesn’t bother me- I don’t like that. I can’t tell if it’s because I broke myself last week or if it’s because of the medicine I’m on.

I don’t feel like “me.” Not that I really know who or what that is or feels like. I still feel all of those things I listed and then some…. and they make me- not sad & down like usual- but – like…. I don’t know. Like they’re not a “thing” anymore. I’m just indifferent to them.

I still feel the urge to run.

Journal Entry from Oct 2

*Typed version of my journal entry from October 2*

2 Oct 2017

I don’t know how to be here. I just don’t really feel right here. Just…. feels off. Yes, this is where my “family” is & where people who “care” about me are…. but it doesn’t feel right.

Today, the meds didn’t make me drowsy. I could feel when it started wearing off- or at least what I think was it wearing off- because my skin started to crawl. I had to keep adjusting my shoulders & twitching. I think it’s helping a bit, though.

Earlier, I reactivated my Facebook so Justin could get in touch with me while he is on the cruise. Not a long time after I wrote on his wall to let him know, he posted something. Wouldn’t you know Alexis was the first to “react” to it. He also didn’t acknowledge my post. It bothered me, but no where near as much as it might have before. I still can’t get it out of my head, but I’m calm about it. I don’t know if I like it or not. It feels like I just can’t react even though I want to.

Journal Entry from Oct 1

*This is the typed version of my journal entry after I ran– as briefly mentioned in the post titled Here. (Click that to read)*

1 Oct 2017

Man…. So lat week…. I just had to go. HAD. TO. HAD TO. I don’t know why it hit at that moment, but it did. Being gone was- wonderful, awful, fun, sad- so many things that I don’t think I can adequately explain. There is something about being in those new places- North Alabama, Tennessee, Arkansas- there’s something about being some place new that felt so freeing. I had no desire to really stop anywhere or even leave my car. I just wanted to keep going.

All of the things that have been building up in my mind were gone. Albeit for a short time.. but they were gone. It didn’t matter:

that I don’t have a steady job

that I haven’t finished school

that I don’t have any direction for my life

that I don’t have a life dream (other than to spend my life with Justin)

that I have no clue what I want to be when I “grow up”

that I can’t force myself out of bed most days

that I can’t force myself to keep a clean or decent home for “The Kid”

that I would rather sleep than be awake

that I’m a total failure at parenting

that I can’t seem to get or stay pregnant

that I don’t belong anywhere

that I’m not really good at anything

that someone else is always chosen over/before me

that I’m not that pretty

that I’m not really smart

For just a while, none of those things mattered.. and that’s the short list. I didn’t feel like I was lost anymore. I feel bad that I felt so free away from “The Kid” and Justin because they don’t burden me- all of these feelings do, but not them. Never them. I feel awful that, for some reason, I felt I had to just go & not come back to make life easier for everyone. I really felt like it would. I still feel like it would.